I am Broken

I’m Broken

I’m 45

I know what broken is.  I’ve been there too many times it seems.  When I was younger, I thought that God would always test us and break us to help us learn.  That being said, on more than one occasion, I’ve pointed my fists to the sky and said, “God, I’ve learned enough lessons, I don’t want to learn any more!  Why, why, why must I keep learning lessons, teach SOMEBODY ELSE!”

It’s only been lately that I realize God doesn’t cause all of our brokenness, but in our brokenness; He will help us grow, learn and mature in the ways of the world.

God, in his love, uses our brokenness;

God, in his love, causes some of our brokenness;

God, in his love, redeems our brokenness;

God, in his love, enters into our brokenness.

Mom and Dad are Dead

Monday

“Mom and Dad are dead and both my legs are broken.”

The words my brother spoke to me when I woke up in the hospital. 

I was 15.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.  Psalms 34:18

Obviously, God didn’t cause my parents death at the hands of a drunk driver. God did however; arrange my life so that I would be smothered in His word for the next few years.  At the time, my living arrangements were not ideal, nor was I facing the obvious things I should be confronting.  But I was reading my Bible every day and learning about God while building a foundation for the rest of my life.  

In a situation where everything I’d known and loved was gone, there was no perfect answer.  So I had to accept the “not so ideal” scenarios and praise God for the good stuff.

When we are broken because we are hurting and life is hard, we must move forward one just one day at a time, at times, one hour at a time.    Sometimes it can be impossible to see much further than this.  Sometimes, you may have to block out the pain and push it down for a while, but only a short while. 

Facing the brokenness of your life is how you grow and learn.  If we are erasing the pain with drugs, alcohol, sex, work, religion or ???, we are only delaying the recovery and lessons to be learned.  The growth we experience in times of pain are undeniably relevant to our future well being.  We must learn the lesson before we can move forward.   The longer you delay the pain, the longer your delay the healing.

What ever the reason is that you are broken, God can always be found in the remains of your life.  But, you must be looking, or He will not be found.  Without God, you will wonder around broken but never getting put back together again.

Lord, when bad things happen in my life, help me to face them head on.  Help me to rely on you God and not other things. Amen

There must not be a God

Tuesday

“There must not be a God.”

The words I spoke as I walked out the door of my first marriage.

I was 22.

…..They did not follow your regulations, by which people will find life if only they obey. They stubbornly turned their backs on you and refused to listen. In your love, you were patient with them for many years…..           

Nehemiah 9:29-30

The horrifying experiences I had in this relationship were due to one thing:  we turned away from God.  It was all very innocent.  We had moved and hadn’t found a church yet.  This was a prime time for the devil to sneak in and do his work.  Not only did we not have a church, but no friends, no family or community to hold us accountable.

Leaving yourself vulnerable by taking God out of your life is a tricky situation.  Focusing on Him is parallel to finding value in yourself and in your life. Once you lose that, you start looking elsewhere to belong. Many people won’t listen to God when they are a well oiled machine; making the money, having great relationships, completely healthy, etc..  Without a listening ear, you may end up broken before the noise can be cleared out of your soul.   At some point,  the money will start to back up, the relationships will start to falter and your health may start to take a downward turn.   

When I walked out that door, I was not ready to listen.  I was too mad, too alone and too damaged to understand that God was still the answer.  It would be many years before I was ready to listen to God again.

Since I wasn’t ready to listen, I was setting myself up for lots of lessons, lots of lessons.  Aaaarrrrgggg.  Why didn’t I just listen?

Dear Lord, when things get rough, remind me that You are still the answer, no matter what.  Help me remember that I need to be in church and constant contact with you Lord.  Amen

I'm Ready to Give Up

Wednesday

“I can’t do this any more, I’m ready to give up.”

I said as I got fired from my new job that was to give me a new start on life.

I was 23.

But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded.

2 Chronicles 15: 7

To get to Kansas City, I came very, very close to being in a deadly accident.  Then I was sexually assaulted.  And then for the finale, I was in a motorcycle accident.   All in one day.  Believe it or not, these things did not rattle my ears open to the word of God.

I had not been facing my pain, but covering it up with all the wrong things.  As a result, I was making wrong decisions about everything.  Several months later, I lost the job I had moved here for.  When I lost that job due to a foolish mistake, I could feel my life slipping away.   I was ready to give up.  I didn’t feel I could pull my self up one more time.  Exactly how much can a person take I pondered.

It was then that my brother pointed out that I only had one way to go, and that was up.  I had hit bottom, finally.   I didn’t turn to God at that moment, but I did decide to start making the right decisions.

In all of my brokenness, in all of my bad decisions, God was there all the time, ready and willing to help dig me out.  He was reaching for me, but I wasn’t reaching back.  It has to be a two way street.  If we are not reaching for God, we cannot hear His voice.

It’s a good thing God doesn’t give up on us, even after years of pushing Him away.  He is a good God that is patient and forgiving in our foolishness.

Lord, thank you for always being there for me, in spite of me turning my back on You.  Please, Lord, always lead me back to You.

The Test Results are Negative

Thursday

“The test results are negative.”

The nurse said after yet another negative pregnancy test.

I was 35.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Jeremiah 29:11

 

When these words were spoken to me, I had finally turned my life back to God.  When I lost the job back at 23 years old, I thought I had hit bottom.  Wrong.  I had no idea there was a new, lower bottom to be hit, which I did with a resounding thud.  Finally, when my life was once again about to come crashing down on me, I begged God back into my life. 

So here I was back in church, praying to God for the one thing I had wanted more than anything in this world:  A baby.  I wanted a family again.  I had a wonderful husband and needed to complete the picture.

Years of infertility go by one day at a time.  It’s a slow painful process that can cause you to doubt and question just about everything.  However, once again, as I did when I was a teenager, I made the decision accept my life as it was and thank God for the good stuff.  I decided it was all up to God and whatever He decided; He just needed to help me to accept it. 

As I waited on test after test, I told God I trusted Him.  I also decided to thoroughly enjoy my quiet and clean house as well as my down time.  I was hoping one day I would have a house full of noisy, messy children with no time to myself!

Lord, I know that I need to trust that You have a plan for my life.  Even when it’s hard and it doesn’t seem possible, I will keep my faith in You and listen for Your voice.

Amen

Show Me My Baby

Show me my baby!”

I yelled after my first child was born.

I was 38.

May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.

Psalms 20:4

I yelled these words at the nurses who delivered my baby.  After years (almost two decades) I finally had that child I had been wanting.  It was truly an amazing experience to trust and rely on God.  I felt as if He had stepped down from heaven and personally delivered my baby.

In my dreams, all my troubles were over and life would be perfect!  But guess what?  It didn’t happen that way.  Not by a long shot.  As we envision a perfect life and what it entails, we have to remember, it’s not just the “prize” that we’re after.

Think about this.  Back when Adam and Eve sinned, God could have just said, “Oh don’t worry about it” and left them in the perfect world they were in.  Instead He chose to go through the turmoil of watching his only son die on a cross.  He didn’t have to make that decision, but He knew the process was necessary.  If it was necessary for God and Jesus to go through the pain, don’t you think it’s necessary for you to as well?  

Without our brokenness, we’d be spoiled brats, with no understanding of how precious our lives are.  If God just allowed Adam and Eve to live in their perfect world, He would have this army of people that were created just to worship Him.  It wouldn’t give Him what He needs from us.  If everything was always instantly made perfect and easy, nothing would bring joy or pleasure.  You must experience the struggle of hardship and brokenness to know how wonderful your life is.  Embrace it my friend.  In everything give thanks.

Lord, thank You for always loving me in spite of my actions!  Amen